Saturday, December 17, 2011

Major Update!

Hello All,
     Sorry it has been so long since I've updated. I've thought about it for awhile but kept putting it off. So here's what's been happening...

      September 23rd, I graduated with my associates degree in Criminal Justice (CJ). I ended up receiving the National Honor Society for my class. I didn't even have honors, I was .02 away from a 3.5 GPA. I NEVER even thought about getting National Honor Society (NHS) as I never receive things like that. When they called my name it took me a split second to realize they were actually calling my name. My parents, 13yr old brother Jon and Grandma P came out from Wisconsin to see me graduate. I also had all my aunts and uncles and Grandma S who to see me graduate. It was nice to see everyone again. My parents gave me a stainless steel pot and pan set for my graduation gift.

      September 27th I had an interview for a possible job. I got the job and now work as a transport officer. We transport mentally ill, inmates, juveniles, and dementia patients. I love the work but its hard because I am oncall 24/7. This makes it hard because I work all different hours of the day and I don't get a consistent amount of hours which makes things hard on my wallet too.

      Those are the main updates for now. I've mainly been working and thats about it.

      Love & Peace

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Why I HATE Summer...

I hate summer because I hate the heat, humidity and don't even like the sun that much; but the big reason I hate summer is because of all the spiders that hang around. They are everywhere and it causes me great anxiety every time I go for a walk outside around trees or bushes.

Where I live there are this spiders (that are not real big, but still creepy) that make their webs from the tree branches down to the ground. You can't always see the web until you are walking into it. Whenever I go outside I feel like webs get all over me. Since I have a dog who needs periodic potty breaks I have to go outside. I usually end up having to walk him by bushes and trees at some point if I want to take him to a grassy area.

This morning I took Wyatt out one last time before I left to head to the school. One tree branch had at least three of these hanging spiderwebs with spiders in the center. I know I walked through a part of one and felt creeped out because of it. Then I went up our stairs to get into our apartment and went to open the door and this huge spider jumped from the ceiling above, outside the door. Luckily I saw it out of the corner of my eye and pulled back. It was a big brown or black spider (it blended with the carpet). I stepped on the nasty thing (to put it nicely). Then I was just completely and utterly disgusted and my anxiety really went up. Usually when I get a spider on me I have to go take a shower to get rid of the anxiety. I couldn't do that today because I had to get going so I could get out to the school to work on stuff. Walking to the bus I felt anxious the whole time. Now I've calmed down for the most part but still feel it a little bit.

So now you know why I hate summers. Why I LOVE the fall and spring time and actually don't mind winter in Oregon (where its not below zero weather).

Love & Peace

Sunday, July 17, 2011

New Name...

So I have changed the name that comes up at the end of the posting. It was RaeAnn but is now Lady Aria. In portfolio class we have talked about how an employer can google your name and read your things on the internet. I'm not sure if I have changed it in all the places need so it doesn't come up but I didn't see it when I googled myself. I changed it to Lady Aria because its a name I was thinking about using for a pen name if I ever get some books published. So thought I would use it here too. I haven't decided if I will start signing my blogs Lady Aria, and might keep that as RaeAnn for now. Any thoughts on this?

Love & Peace

What I Promised...

Hi All,
   So last time I posted I said I would come back later and post a couple of things I had on my mind. So today I am finally able to do this. So here it goes...

   The first thing on my mind is this....

   I think I might have Adult ADD. I have been thinking about this for about a year or so. The symptoms seem to fit and if I do have it, it would explain my whole life. I have such a hard time in school, even now. Its hard for me to focus and I get distracted easily. I can't sit still. Its extremely hard for me to finish anything, and I can't make up my mind on what I want to do when I'm done with college. I graduate in September and I'm scared as hell. I've not talked to anyone about this extreme fear that I won't be able to find what I want to do with my life and make a good try at it. The reason I haven't told anyone is because 1) its embarrassing, and 2) I really don't have anyone to talk too, that would understand. Most of my friends who I would talk to will just try to tell me how to fix the problem instead of just listening to what I'm saying. Or they say, you will be fine. I hate hearing that because how do they know I will be fine? They don't know what's in store for me and I just feel like my feelings are invalidated when I am told that. I have one friend who I mostly email who lives in WI. I have told her the surface fear but not the deep dark fear inside of me which I don't know how to say out loud or even begin to explain. I actually have an appointment Tuesday to go talk to my doctor about this. I've been wanting to talk to her about this for awhile but was to afraid. In my psychology class, my teacher has ADHD and I can relate to a lot of things he talks about. We are also doing a project in psychology class and I'm doing mine on ADHD in hopes of possibly finding answers for myself. I'm not sure that I have the hyperactivity part, but it could be combined I'm not sure. I just want answers so that I can understand the way I feel.

The second thing on my mind is this...

Facebook. Is there really a point for it in my life? I have also been contemplating this for awhile. Then I read another blog of a woman who is taking a break from Facebook. And I wonder if I could do this also. I'm not sure if I could. I agree with what she talks about as far as stress being caused by Facebook. I also play Frontierville and am close to blocking that first just to see how it goes. I feel anxious thinking about the fact that I HAVE to go on my homestead everyday to finish quests or get rewards. One problem is that I am addicted to the game and I'm level 80 so feel like I have done A LOT of work to just throw it away. Another thought though is that between Mary and I we have six Facebook accounts just so we can play games on four of them. I could always play on one or more of these if I really needed a Frontierville fix. Right now I'm just sick of the game and how it takes up so much time. I'm tired of having to go through and accept all of the gifts from my gift box and off the wall, in order to finish quests. It takes up so much time and energy. Maybe its time to let it go. As far as Facebook itself I'm not sure. There are people I only keep in contact through there. Then there are people I have on there I NEVER talk too. Those people I don't think I need to have on there anymore. Then there are all the friends I have to play games. I don't really need any of these people if I get rid of Frontierville. I want to cut some people from my Facebook and only keep people I actually talk to on there. My thing is what if later I want to go back to Frontierville and then I have gotten rid of all those people? Then I have to find friends to play again. So how do I know if I making the right decision or not?  I am hoping that maybe if I got rid of some of my distractions, maybe I would have time to read or do artsy stuff or other things I want to do that I am too distracted with other things to actually do. I want to try and weed distractions out of my life but I'm not sure how or where to start. I guess I am thinking if I start with Facebook, maybe I'll figure the rest out with time.

So those are the two things I promised to talk about. I think it has helped me to get it out. We'll see what happens.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer!

Love & Peace

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My Life's Updates...

Hello All,
   So I have a few updates and thoughts to post here since I haven't written in so long. I'm not sure exactly where to start so I guess I will start with the good news and then write about my two things I'm working on in my life to hopefully manage my life better.

   My good news is that I entered an essay scholarship for my school. It was a 2000 word essay about my education at my school and how it would impact society and my future career. The prize was $2000 to be used for tuition or living expenses. So I entered this contest and after much hard work got the essay up to 2005 words. We found out this week the winners and I didn't win the top prize but I did get an honorable mention for my essay. There were 17 participants. One top winner, about 5 honorable mentions and the rest recieved participant certificates. I may not have gotten the top prize but I was happy to recieve the honorable mention which is better then a certificate just for participating.

   My other two things on the agenda will have to be posted about later becuase I have to go catch the bus as I lost track of time (again). LOL

    Love & Peace

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Envying the Simple Life...

The prior post I posted kind of leads to wanting this but they are about total different issues/ideas so they deserved separate posts. 

So Mary and I have been talking this last weekend about a different type of lifestyle. I'm not sure how it would work yet as we need to do a ton of research first.
I am tired of the complex life and brought this thought up to Mary last night. We have been talking about it since.
So I was thinking that since I want a simpler life, it would be neat to save up some money and buy an RV to live in. We would rent a spot at an RV park, which I think would be cheaper then an apartment (again working on the research). This would enable us to be able to save more money. Once we had enough money saved we would buy a plot of land just outside of whatever town we wanted to be close too. Once the land was payed off, we would start saving to build our own small house.
Right now I'm tired of the complex life. I want things to be simpler. I'm not sure how much Mary is on this same path with me, but the way we are both talking, I think she might be. We have a friend T, who right now doesn't have a specific place to stay, who lives life very simply. He is talking about traveling and hiking some of the trails around the area. I envy anyone who is able to live a simple life and would love to do this myself. I'm tired of all the static that comes with such complicated life. I need peace in my life and a simpler life would help with that.

So what we need to research or do...
1)Cost of RV parks, on a monthly basis
2) Cost of RVs
3) Cost of vehicles (ours isn't running). We would need a running vehicle before the RV
4) Need full time jobs
5) Get rid of or sell our extra crap we don't need
6) And much, much more I can't think of at the moment

Not sure if or when all of this will happen. Obviously we have to work on the job thing first, so we can save some money. Once money is saved things will flow more readily.

Love & Peace

This Morning...WHEW!

So about mid morning I took Wyatt down for a potty break. There were two sheriff cars in the parking lot of our complex, talking to about 15 or so of the residents. I asked one lady what was going on and she said that someone had thrown dog poop in the pool and the manager refused to clean the pool, besides take the poop out, and yet wouldn't close the pool. {When Mary and I went to look with other residents later, there are still remnants of poop in there}.
I went back upstairs and told Mary what was going on. We left Wyatt upstairs and went down to hear the rest of the story. The manager has marked cars that have passes to park here, to be towed. The other day he put a note on everyone's door that everyone has to clean every thing up, including things like welcome mats, ash trays, and things on the deck that should be OK to be there.  This note on top of everything else is setting people here off. Along with the poop incident, someone has been throwing piles of cigarette butts on the grounds around the property, and I'm sure more is about to happen. Someone put a note on everyone's door today about the manager and the pool saying they are going to be calling Health and Human Services tomorrow morning, which I think is a good thing.
Mary and I moved in here April 2009. This is the fourth manager we have had since moving in here. It seems like every manager they get, the complex goes farther and farther down hill. I don't know where the owner finds the inept managers but he needs to start looking somewhere else. He is not finding any winners.
The thing that worries me the most is that its going to go so far down hill, that it will go out of business and we will be screwed out of a home. We don't have money to go anywhere else right now.
So that is the extent of this morning.... which leads me to my next blog.

Love & Peace

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Since today is the first of the month, my old bus pass is invalid, so I had to scrounge up change for the bus today. When I went to get on the bus, the change machine was broken so the bus driver couldn't give me a pass and told me I would have to get a pass at the Max Station. So I said ok and sat down. This girl next to me who was getting off at the next stop, reached over and handed me her bus stop. I offered to pay her for it and she said no that's ok I'm getting off up here anyways. So I didn't have to purchase a bus pass after all for today. It is refreshing to know there are nice people out there. Very few and far between but they are there.

Other then that today is BORING. I am at school at the moment "working" on schoolwork. I've gotten a couple of things done but now I'm just bored. This week is the last week plus Monday for this term. Since we have Memorial day off, we have to make it up next Monday. I just want to be done with school. My mind is finished with it. I am burnt out. One more term after this and I will be done with school for awhile. I am still trying to decide if I want to finish my bachelor's degree or not. Maybe by next June I'll be more enthused about the whole matter. I am already signed up to come back, and I'm sure I will end up back and finishing my schooling. Its just that right now I'm so overwhelmed.

I don't even really know what else to type here. My brain is fried.

Love & Peace

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Boredom is School...

So I am sitting in class right now and I just want to be done and go home. I really wish I was done with school right now. That I could just be graduated and done with it all. I need to find a job that pays me more then what I'm making now. Its the middle of the month and we dont' have any rent money set out yet. We usually set it out by now but my last check had to go to some other things.

I entered some photos in a photo contest and had to have hard copies to send in. It was like $50 to get the hard copies I wanted. I sent the photos in Saturday so we'll see what happens. Because we are short on money though, it makes me feel guilty that I spent that amount of money on photos though. I shouldn't have to feel that way all the time.

Mary bought tickets last night for Jeff Dunham show tomorrow. I LOVE Jeff Dunham and can't wait to see him live. I feel guilty though and like I can't fully have a good time because that money should have gone to rent.

Its things like this that frustrate me. I  shouldn't have to feel guilty to have a little fun and it seems like I'm the only one who ever feels guilty when it comes to money.

I don't really care to have a lot of money. I just want enough money to live comfortable. To be able to have a car and a house that I own. That I don't have to make payments on. They don't even have to be brand new. Just run and be comfortable. Our car isn't even working now. I am stuck to public transit. Its ok but not as convenient.

Thats my rant for today. I am in class wishing it was over so I could go home as I feel kind of antsy.

Love & Peace

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hard To Admit...

So its 1134pm and I'm supposed to be sleeping. I finally pulled myself and Mary off the computer so we could go sleep. But I have some things on my mind and if I don't get them out and written down I won't sleep.

So its hard to admit but I have a problem. This problem is in regards to school. I am way behind in classes and have no motivation to get anything done. I graduate in September and my parents plan to come out from WI to finally see me graduate with my associates degree. This is my third time trying for an associates and I really want to finish this time. I was hoping to finish with at least honors. I would be happy with honors though high honors would be awesome. I don't have that much ambition in me. So I've tried for second best. Now though its looking I won't even make that.  I've been doing fairly well for my procrastination and slacking from quarter to quarter. My GPA finally got above a 3.5 when its been sitting at about 3.3 most of my time in school. Now this term I think its going back down. I kind of feel like I'm drowning and can't swim out. In one way, I care and want to do well. To show others, and myself, I can actually do it this time. On another sense, I don't care and just want it to be done and over with. I can't quit again though. I need to finish this. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm afraid of success. I know I'm afraid of failure but I'm used to it, so it seems ok. I've never been successful and my interests have never been pursued to the point of making them a success. I don't attempt publishing my writing because I'm afraid of being turned down. I am entering a photo contest so maybe that will lead to something, though my hopes aren't too high. I am used to failure and people turning me down or telling me I can't do it. I always believe them and in turn, FAIL. I have no idea how to turn this cycle around. When it comes to the end of maybe actually being a success, I quit and don't proceed. I need to show myself that I don't have to do that and can actually finish something. I want to feel good about myself for once. To know that I don't have to live this mundane life of no success and no triumph. That I CAN be awesome at what I do. Its hard though when I am my only support and I have no one really rooting me on, at least not openly. So I stand on this island of mine alone and watch the waves roll past me. No boat is there to save me and I'm lost in the heat and sand.  Hey I think I've started a new poem. I will work on that and post it when its finished.

I don't know maybe there is hope... I am trying to hope for hope.

Love & Peace

Friday, May 13, 2011

One Drama Gone...

So I have finally gotten rid of one person who has caused me a lot of stress the last couple of months or so. She constantly brought herself drama and then tried to pull everyone else into it. I got tired of it and it is over. The last couple of days I still have issues but I'm feeling freer and a lot of my tension is gone. I am SO glad to have this done and over with. Now to get rid of other negative people from my life. Slowly working on the outer layers and then eventually will get to the inner layers. I just wish I didn't have to do all of this alone. Its hard for me to be strong and I'm hoping that practice will make perfection. I'm tired of being walked all over, especially by people who claim to be my friend. I need real friends with real hearts who actually care about others and who are not so stuck on themselves, that they will ruin someone else's life just because they don't like them or are pissed at them. I'm sorry but that is not how I roll and if its how you roll, I don't have time for it or you.

That is all for now.

Love & Peace

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My Journal Entry...

This is the journal entry I mentioned in my last post. Most of these things I think about on a regular basis. I wish it was an easier process to figure out these things. I'm tired of trial and error. I wish I could be confident about these things more. Sometimes I wish my brain could just stop thinking. That I could turn off the constant struggles within.

                Last night I was riding the MAX Train home from school and there was a woman on there who grabbed my attention. She was with another woman and I’m not sure what their relationship was. The second woman was a little older and they could have been mother and daughter or maybe the older woman was a client of the younger woman. It seemed like the older woman was mostly there but maybe a little slower. The younger woman seemed to be there as a guardian or protector of the older lady. They got on at the stop where the ball game was but I’m not sure if they were actually at the ball game or not.
                I was watching them in the reflection of the window on the conductor’s door. The younger woman had a compassionate smile on her face as she interacted with the older woman. It was apparent that she cared for this woman whatever the relationship was. Her smile was genuine and not fake. She was very patient when she talked to and answered questions of this older woman.
                Watching this scene on the MAX made me think about things. I wonder what wonderful thing the younger woman had in her life that made her a compassionate, patient person. She was a person who did not seem fake in her interactions. That is what I want. I want to have compassion towards other people instead of all the irritability and judgments I carry towards others.  I’m not sure how to get this compassion and patience. When I was younger I think I had a lot more compassion and patience then I do now. Maybe it’s because once I saw what life really was about and what other people are really like, I changed. All I know is that she has something I want. I would have loved to be a bit more outgoing and ask her but I don’t think I would ever have that courage.
                This led me to think about people in general and if there is anyone who is truly happy. I think that woman is, she seemed happy. I know Christians say that when you find God you will be happy, but I have seen a lot of “Christians” who aren’t happy. Maybe they aren’t honest Christians, I am not certain. How do you go on a quest in life to find out what is true happiness? I think that if I had enough money to live comfortably, I would be happy. I think if I were out of the living situation I am in, I would be happy. I think if I had someone who really truly loved me and treated me that way, I would be happy. I think if I had children and the opportunity to be a mom like I’ve always wanted, I would be happy. I think if I learned to love myself and who I am, I would be happy. But would I really? And how do I figure all of these things out and get to the point where I am happy with who I am and what I have? Where do you start?
                I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable enough mentally to allow any of these things in. I don’t know what I would do to break down all of the cement walls I have built up for any of these things to happen. I wish there was a place I could go that could break you down and build you back up and teach you these things. It would be a place where I didn’t have to worry about ANYTHING else but the issues in my mind that I need to fix in order to be happy. I’m afraid that I will find out that happiness is just another dream that everyone has but does not ever receive. I’m afraid that I will have to do this all alone and that I will have no one to support me or to understand me. Most of my friends are only interested in surface interests. I have one friend who thinks about these things but she is far away. Most of my friends don’t think deep and don’t understand that I do. Even though I know this and get tired of this, these friends are better than no friends at all. Their drama is ok to put up with because it’s better than being alone. Being in a negative relationship is better than being alone and having no one. Though I do have my dog and cat now so I wouldn’t be totally alone but it is not the same as human contact.
                These are all things I feel that I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I don’t know how to take things that I have believed my whole or most of my life and change them. I just don’t understand how to see myself or the world differently. I don’t know how to cut ties with the depressing, negative people and find myself positive, uplifting people. I don’t know how to change the things I live for, other more important things. I feel like I need to strip off layers and layers, to rebuild layers into something else.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Still Alive...

Yes I am still alive. I've not been blogging lately because I've had so much going on. I'm not sure what I said in my last post (I didn't check before coming to write this one) but Mary's mom passed away in March. The car broke down and we are having to public transport everywhere. We've had to take the dog to the vet twice last month. He's ok now, Thank God! I'm not doing so hot in school this term. Just too stressed out and don't care as much as last term. I still want to do well and get at least the silver cords at graduation but I'm just tired and want to be done. I graduate this September if I make it. I know I will but right now it just seems so far away. I have also been pretty depressed lately. I have a journal entry thing I wrote that I am going to post here but I'm going to post it on a seperate entry.

   So that is the update for now. So yes I am still alive, at least physically.

  Love & Peace

Monday, March 21, 2011

There Should be a Catchy Phrase Here....

I have found that its really hard to come up with titles to my blogs when I am writing about multiple things. So I try to be random there instead.

So today is the start of the new term. This term I have Transportation Security, The Criminalistics of Cybercrime, Policing Techniques: Interviewing and Interrogation. I am hoping this term goes a lot faster then last term did. Last term felt like three terms in one. I was so glad to be done with it. Two more terms and I graduate. I cannot wait!
Mary graduates this coming Friday. I am so proud of her! She has done really well and I think even surprised herself at how well she did.

Every morning Wyatt wakes me up about 7am. Usually I get up, take him potty and then go back to bed for an hour. I am feeling like that extra hour of sleep makes me more groggy feeling. I am thinking about trying an new thing. I am thinking that when he wakes me up at 7am, I'll talk him for a walk around the block  and then just stay up for the day. If I am working and going to school that day, I'll be up for the full day. If I have the day off, I may choose to take a little nap later in the day but can decide that when the time comes. I'm thinking if I get up and go for a walk in the morning before work maybe I'll be more awake and with it. We took a walk today in the afternoon at a little faster pace then usual and I feel a little more energetic then usual. I am also thinking I might start taking him for walks around the block in the evening too. That would give him and myself two walks a day. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. 

So my New Year's Resolution/Life Change didn't last long. It was getting questionable before Florida but was definitely gone once we went to FL. Today we went to Subway and I got green tea instead of Soda so at least that was a healthier choice. Gotta work on those choices I keep making. It helps to have a dog because I have a reason to go walking regularly. Its hard to make a life change when your partner is with you on the change. Its hard to feel motivated to eat crackers or nuts instead of a bag of chips when she is sitting there eating chips. I know that may sound like an excuse because I don't know if it would really be easier if I was living alone. I might still be making the same choices. I know I was in the past. Maybe things would be different now that I'm older and more mature, I don't know.

This is also my last week at my job location. I will be transferring to the other location of the dog daycare. I hear its a nice atmosphere there and I am hoping I will have a better time there. Thursday will be my last day and I can't wait!

Well I've got to head to class.

Love & Peace

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What To Title This???

So this post is going to be about a bunch of things, like most of my posts do. Anyways I wasn't quite sure what to put as a title.
So we finally finished the term. I ended with two A's and a B+. I am overall happy with these grades. I wish I could have gotten a third A but this term was so stressful and then going to FL, by the end I just wanted it to be over with. I am hoping next term will be better.
On Sunday March 6, 2011 Mary's Mom passed away at 345am. She called in Monday and Tuesday and then I called in Tuesday and Wed from work. Tuesday night we went to a couple of movies and out to eat to kind of get our minds off things. We saw Gnomeo and Juliet, and Rango. We ate supper at Red Robin. I know some might think that going to movies is a weird way of mourning but I really think it helped Mary that night. I would say Gnomeo and Juliet was the better of the two movies. Rango was ok but felt really slow and long to me. Now I can say I've seen it but I probably wouldn't go back to see it again or purchase it when it comes out on DVD.
We have been working on progress with Wyatt and Elijah. We have started to bring Elijah out when we watch TV at night to sit on our laps or next to us. Wyatt sometimes will growl or try to bark at him but Elijah doesn't run anymore. We are trying to get them used to each other being in the same room. Hopefully this will help their acquaintance.
I was thinking there was something else to talk about but now I can't think of anything to say. I'm tired and exhausted from work today. Finances are stressing me and I don't think I have fully de-stressed from school and working on getting all my homework done on time yet.

Well that is all for now. Will write some more later

Love & Peace

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

AGH! Stress!!!

So we returned from Florida on Sunday the 20th of Feb. The plane ride was actually shorter then our trip there but it seemed longer. I guess I was just ready to be home to my own house, bed, and animals.

Since getting back, it has been pure stress. We got back and Mary's taxes still hadn't come. She had e-filed, and signed up for direct deposit the same day at the same time as me. Mine came while we were in FL and had already been spent. We had left the cat, Elijah, at Mary's son P's place. Wyatt went to a boarding place that gives individual time to dogs who don't like other dogs. We were supposed to pick Wyatt up on Monday but the money wasn't there so we had to call and ask to pick him up on Wed instead. The Tuesday we went to the mail box and it was in the mail.

It was so exciting to pick Wyatt up because I had missed him so much. He was so excited to see us and jumped and wagged all over the place. It was the best thing ever!

So now that we'd been gone for two weeks, we have homework up the wazoo to do. So the last two weeks has been trying to catch up on school work. It takes me about 2-3 hours to do one paper. It might takes others that long too but I'm not sure. I just know I feel like it shouldn't take me that long. I know part of my problem is that I think I might have Adult ADD. I don't know for sure because I've never been diagnosed but my mind waunders probably a lot more then it should. I'm kind of a dreamer and it slows me down a lot. I'm always thinking about something and my brain never shuts off.

Anyways so with the finance stress and the school stress I just want to go to bed and sleep it away. I know that you can't actually SLEEP it away but I wish you could. This term is over next Wed (actually this week but we have to make up a day because of the weather). I am so ready for it to be done so I can start again fresh.

So that is my stress and update for the last couple of weeks. I've been too busy to write much lately but hopefully that will change soon.

Love & Peace

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Update From Florida...

So I'm writing all of you from Orlando Florida, instead of Portland Oregon, today.
We had to come out here to see Mary's Mom, and family. Her Mom is sick and in a hospice facility.
We arrived here on the plane, Wed. Feb 9th. We had left the Portland Airport at 6am, with a couple hour layover in New York. I definitely like the Portland airport better then the New York airport. The airport in New York was not kept as nicely as the Portland one. I found it interesting that there were birds flying around in the building and it was just the norm.We are staying at Mary's brother L's place.
The first day, we stayed at L's and slept in and just didn't do much. Its been hard getting used to the time difference as FL is 3 hours ahead of OR.
Friday we went and saw Mary's mom M. I met some more family. Sat we also went to visit M, and met A LOT more family. It was very nerve racking at first. I've never met any of Mary's family before and to meet them all at once was kind of stressful. The one nice thing is that I have a lot of her family on my facebook and have interacted with most, there. So they weren't complete strangers.
Sunday we didn't do a whole lot. Monday we rented a motel room for Valentines Day and so we could have a little time to ourselves. I decided I wanted to pay for the room and make it a little special for Mary, so got a room with a jacuzzi. We had a nice time together. On Tuesday we went to the Gulf Coast together. We stopped at Hudson Beach, Sunset Beach and then ended at Clearwater Beach. We got there in time for the sunset and watched the sun go into the water. It was beautiful and we took A LOT of pictures. We stopped at some tourist shops and got some souvenirs.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a very slight sore throat. I was really hoping it was allergy, but not I'm not so sure. Its been lagging on longer then allergies and I've taken allergy medicine, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything at all. Accept the Benadryl which knocks me out at night. I'm really hoping it is allergies and that I will get to feeling better soon or at least when I get back to Portland.
Wednesday we went to see M. We spent the afternoon there. M is doing ok and had a couple of days. She has some really good days and then it exhausts her so then a couple days later she will have some really bad days. The facility that M is at has a lot of volunteers that come in to visit with the patients or that will have special services for family members. Yesterday (wed) they had a lady there who does massage therapy. She volunteers her time there once a week. Mary, her dad L and I each got a massage. They were free and totally relaxing. The only down side was that she had a really soft touch and I prefer a deep hard massage. It totally relaxed me though and I could of laid down right then and there and gone to sleep.
Today we stayed home and slept. I slept until about 11am and then went back to bed about 1pm and got up about 3pm. We did get laundry done but that was about all we did.
Tomorrow the plan is to get up early and go to Disney World. Mary's dad L used to work at Disney world so gets free tickets. He gave us his two for this year. I have never been to Florida or anywhere like Disney world. It will be a new experience and I can't wait!

So that is my update for the last couple of weeks. We come back into Portland this Sunday. I won't be back to work until the 24th though. We have to pick up our cat and dog and then homework to catch up on. Plus we have to get over the jet lag which will be hard.

Talk to you all soon!

Love & Peace

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I'm tired of being an average person who is never good enough. Every job I have had and everything I do, I work my ass off for. I try my hardest and put so much energy into everything and yet I am still not good enough. Other people come in and are always better than me and get promoted after only being there a short time. It seems like I never excel at anything. I am loosing energy to even try anymore. I might do good at something but it never gets me anywhere. Its not excelling. Why can't I excel in anything? Why can't someone see me as the one who should be promoted? What does a person need to do to excel when they are already putting all their energy into it. You can only put so much energy into something and then there's nothing left to give.

That's my rant for the day...

Love & Peace

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

FINALLY! Its February!

This has been the FRICK'N longest month EVER! I feel like its been six months not one. I am really not sure what made it feel this way but this term has been hard. Maybe its the other stuff going on in my life right now (I can't blog about it right now). Maybe school and work and EVERYTHING else is taking a tole on me. I just want things to go back uphill instead of continuing downhill.

I really want to go to bed, pull the covers up over my head and just sleep. FOREVER. Hide from the world and all the people who try to pull me down all the time. Why is that I'm constantly fighting the battle with people. I don't feel I've done anything wrong and yet people think they can walk all over me. Than when I try to say something or stand up for myself, I am the bad person and get in trouble. Do I just attract this type of people or is there something wrong with me?  And how do I consistently stand up to these assholes without always getting in trouble? Someone told me the other day that people don't talk to them that way because they don't let them. So how does a person get this type of a backbone? How do you NOT let someone talk to you that way?

This term has been hard and I've felt lazy. I was able to bring my GPA from a 3.33 to a 3.47, last term. Now this term I'm afraid my GPA is going to go back down. I've done pretty good on the the papers I've turned in but there are a couple that have been late. And I'm never very good at quizzes. I don't do bad but I don't get 100% either.

I just want this term to end already. The month is FINALLY over so that's good. Maybe now that Feb is here, I'll be able to look forward again.

And I need someone to talk too. To just sit and talk too and let everything out but I don't have anyone like that. I've thought about going back to a counselor but that costs to much money for the person I want to see. So deep, down inside it goes, until it all explodes.

It is now time for bed... Tomorrow is a LONG day of work and then school. I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays the most.

Love & Peace

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Why Do You Second Guess Me?

Why is it that you think you need to second guess me? Is it because I'm quiet and not an outgoing snob like you?
Everyone wonders why I'm not confident in myself or my ideas. When I do notice something that needs to be taken care of though, they don't validate my thoughts on the issue. The following will better explain what I mean...

Today at work, about 40 mins before my shift ended, a dog U was harrassing a smaller dog G, and I asked my coworker if U could go on her side. My coworker had one dog in a pop-up kennel and one other dog she was watching. She asked me what U was doing, so I told her and she pretty much ignored my worry. Roughly 20 min later U was in a fight with G and another dog B. If my coworker had listened to my concern, this would not have been an issue.

It seems like this happens to me all the time. I had it happen at work twice today with two different people. I'm getting really tired of people not taking things I say seriously. Maybe I ittirate things wrong, I'm not sure.

So my day at work was crap. To top it off, when I was leaving work, I tripped on one of the steps and fell. It wouldn't have been has bad if three workers and one customer hadn't been in the reception area to see it happen. It also wouldn't have been as bad had I had a good day at work to begin with.

Anyways its time to work on homework...

I worked all day today and now get to sit through 4 1/2 hours of class. Don't get to head home until 1030pm tonight when Mary gets out of class.

Love & Peace

Monday, January 17, 2011

My Last Week...

So this last week has been the most stressful week of the month so far. And this is how it went...

To begin with on Wed, I called into work because I woke up feeling like crap. By the afternoon I had started to feel fine again. Thursday morning I woke up and again felt like crap, but went to work. All day I felt horrible and had flu like symptoms (to put it nicely). No puking though. Thursday night I had class so went to school hoping I could stay for class. I decided I felt to horrible and wanted to go home but remembered that we had guest speakers. I talked to my teacher and he said to stick it out if possible because otherwise I would have to find someone else to interview on my own time. So I decided to stick it out...

Since I was still feeling like crap Thursday night, I decided to call in sick  for Friday. The way I was feeling I didn't want to chance that I might still be sick Friday and decided to just take it off.  Mary also wasn't feeling well so she also called in sick for Friday.

Because I had to stay for class Thursday night, I decided to drive over to Target (which is right across the street) to get some "feel better" items. I got into the car and it wouldn't start. I pretty much knew it was the starter since we'd been having a few troubles with it starting for awhile.It had always started but sometimes it took some extra UMPH. So I called Mary to come down (she was in the computer lab). We went in to the LRC to look up places we could take the car too and have it fixed. This lady was in the LRC and overheard us. She said she would call this guy, D who knew a guy who could probably fix it. She talked to him and he said he would call the other guy. She gave us the first guys number and we called him. The second guy, E, said he could do it Friday, we would just need to get the part. So we said we would talk to him on Friday.

D said to try and get the car jumped. So one of the faculty came out and we tried to jump it. It was right before class though and we had to hurry, so didn't have it sit on the battery. We couldn't get it started. The lady who we had talked to suggested for us to get permission to leave it at the school overnight. So I went and got a typed permission thing to put in the dashboard.

I had been talking to this one guy, S, who is in my class. He said it sounded like the battery. After class I went and showed him what was going on. He still swore it was the battery. While we were looking at the car, and 5-6 other men came over to see what was going on. One guy tried to jump the car with his motercycle. While we were standing there Mary came out of class with her teacher who said he could try jumping the car with his older diesel Rolls Royce. So he pulled his car around and put the cables on. He sat with them on for a bit, and then went to start it. He got it to start right away and then told Mary its the starter because he had to turn the key three times quick to get it started. So we were able to drive home.

Friday morning we got up and talked to the guys who were coming to help us. We also priced the parts we needed to get it fixed. Since E was the guy was going to fix the car, we talked to him most. We found out that we not only did we need to try and get the car to run so we could go pick up a part but we also needed to pick them up at the bus station. E asked us how much we wanted to pay him and we weren't sure how much something like that ran. He quoted us $200. We didn't want to pay that much because one of the repair places we had called the night before had thought it would be about $200 parts and labor. I told E that was a little out of our budget. He said "well tell me how much you can pay." I said what about a hundred? I could tell right away that was too low for him. I said $150? He said that was fine. The part we found was $72 plus core.

So we went down to the car and tried to start it. It didn't start the first time but then I thought I'd try what Mary's teacher did. It started right up. We decided that since it started and we wouldn't have to tow it that we wanted to check out at the repair place I had to talked to the night before. So I called E and D and told them we couldn't get the car started (yes I fibbed a little) and needed to have it towed a little. These guys were desperate to try to get my business. Mary called the auto repair who said that labor would be $80 and the part was $78 plus the core. Total that up and it is A LOT cheaper than what we would have had to pay the guy who said he would be a lot cheaper than an auto repair place.

So we took the car in and got the starter changed. While we were there, we told the guy about the guy who was going to help us. He said, "He's a scam." I never really thought about that until he said that. Even though the little part was a little dishonest, I am glad we didn't go with them.

We figured that since the car was getting its starter fixed, we would also take it in for an oil change. Paid over $100 there. But she needed it, so it was worth it. She still needs some work and a deep tune-up, but she already is running a lot smoother.

Saturday Mary still wasn't feeling good and I was over-exhausted from the week so we didn't go to school.

Sunday we decided to do some deep cleaning. The kitchen is cleaned, bathroom spotless and laundry done. We went to take the laundry down and wanted to leave Wyatt upstairs but when we opened the door, he escaped out without his leash on. I had to go down after him but he doesn't come when called and just kept running away. There was a lady and her girl (about 6 yrs old) walking by and he went chasing after and barking at them. I called him back once and then he did it again. He would come towards me but stay just out of reach. Did I mention this is also on a busy road with traffic flying by? He finally came to me and I grabbed him and took him upstairs. I put him in the bathroom (where he sleeps at night) for a time out.

The Wyatt thing really upset me because I didn't know what to do to get him to come to me. Then he's running on the edge of the road and chasing a little girl who he has probably traumatized now. Mary came down and went towards Wyatt the second time he went after the girl. The mom had picked the girl up but after Wyatt came back to me, Mary said the mom kind of laughed. Like that's gonna make the girl feel better. I'm surprised the mom wasn't upset or something...

So that is my stressful week. I work today 4-7, which is usually my day off. Mary is sick again today. So I'm a little stressed because that means our next two checks will be small and rent will be due.

So I'm glad to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for my rant.

Love & Peace

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Passions & Children

I like to search through different blogs and see what others out there are writing about. A lot of bloggers blog about thier passions and children. Both of which I am without.
I look at different people's passions and think "that would be cool to do" or "I wish I could do that". I don't really have any thing that I am passionate about. I like to write and take photos, but I'm not passionate about it. I feel like my life must be pretty boring if I have no passions. Then there's the kids. Other bloggers blog about their families and children. I have no children. I want a couple of children some day but not sure that will happen. I'm already 27. Young you say? Well I need to finish college first which means I'll be 30. Then because I'm lesbian, I need to either find a donor, which costs money; or find a guy who I respect who can clear my high expectations for a sperm donor. At this moment, I don't know any males who would pass that test.
I am kind of envious of those bloggers who have interesting things to talk about. I'm not sure anyone would really THINK my blog as interesting. I mean who really cares about my cat, dog, or the thoughts that go through my mind. Probably no one.
I'm not really sure why I'm really into this blogging thing. I guess it helps to get it out of my head but I just wish it was actually interesting to read. That people might look forward to reading what I have to write. I doubt thats the case.

So thats my ramble for the night. Thanks for listening (if anyone even reads this).

Love & Peace

Sunday, January 9, 2011


As seen commented on my post about the cat being locked out of the bedroom, I got another cat litter box and put it in the bedroom. I am hoping that by being able to be in the bedroom, Elijah will be happier and can enjoy his time in there. The door will still be left open (it is blocked off with the doggy gate), so if he chooses to come out he can. Though he probably won't. At least he will hopefully poop in the box not on the bed. THANKS Shannon for the Litter Box!!!

I weighed myself today and have not lost any weight yet. I only plan to weigh myself once a week so not to become obsessed but to also keep tabs on where I'm at.

Mary and I took Wyatt for a nice walk today. Down one side of the street to the light, back up the street and then went on around the block and back. We would like to and are looking forward to doing more of these walks and to get our speed faster and length longer. Wyatt is tuckered out sleeping on the couch. He's such a sweet little guy!

Tonight we plan to have Turkey Meat Loaf (homemade by the awesome cook [Mary] in the house). Then to play some Wizard 101 and possibly watch a movie though I'm not sure we can fit all of that in.

That is the extent of my day!

Love & Peace

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A Best Friend?

I decided to blog about this because I'm tired of the feelings inside of me wanting to come out but not having anyone to talk too. Its hard not having someone who I can talk too, who understands what I'm going through. 

I'm Lonely. I have a friend who I would say is my best friend in Wisconsin, but thats so far away. We talk via email and once in awhile on the phone, but its not the same as having a friend sitting next to you, who you can hang out with and talk to face to face. Someone who likes you for you and doesn't try to change you.

I have gone through a lot of "friends" or "aquaintances" lately. I think they are friends and than they F*ck me over. They are also not True friends who have your back through everything.

Maybe its because I'm looking to hard for a friend. Maybe I just need to go with the flow more, but I feel like I've been waiting for a long time. I'm tired of feeling lonely and lost all the time.

I see and hear all these people talking about what they are doing with their friends and I can't help but feel a little bit envious. I wish I had someone to do those things with too. Instead I go home and veg out in front of the computer or TV. I don't have money to go out and try to meet people much.

I know you can't look for attributes in people and be happy. You have to find those attributes in yourself first. But doesn't everyone need a friend, perferbly a best friend? And why does it have to be SO hard to find these few pearls in life?

Any thoughts here?

Love & Peace

Friday, January 7, 2011

Update on my Resolutions...

So I thought I would write and update you all on how my new years resolutions are going.

    * My loosing weight one is going well. I haven't weighed myself lately but I have been drinking tea or juice (mostly tea) instead of soda. I went to the store after the first because my food stamps came in. I bought string cheese, yogurt, peanuts, and some dried fruit. I am eating these as snacks at work and school. I still eat one hot pocket before class on Tuesday and Thursday but not for my break at work. I am also choosing to eat smaller portions for supper. We usually don't get home from school until 11pm or so. I know its not good to eat right before bed but by that time I'm starving. So I'm trying to eat less at least. We have been cooking A LOT with the crockpot and are loving it.  

    * For the other two resolutions, I haven't gotten too far with either of these. I still need to find a some books. An acquaintance has said she has a couple of books for me to read but we haven't been able to work it out yet for me to get them. I haven't had time to look anywhere else.

      So that is the update on my resolutions. I'm going to try to update about once a month as to how I am doing.

    Love & Peace

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year's Resolutions...

Happy New Year Everyone!

Usually I am one of those people who thinks about setting New Year's Resolutions but than never do. Other times I set the resolutions but don't actually follow through. This year I want to actually follow through. Instead of looking at the list as New Year's Resolutions, I want to look at them as life changes to better myself and who I am. If I don't complete them, its not the end of the world and I'm not a failure. I will just need to start over and try harder next time.

So far I only have a couple major things I want to work on this year.

1) Get my weight down to 175 lbs. That means loosing a total of 65 lbs. I believe this is doable. We have a dog now who loves to go on walks. We bought a crock-pot for Christmas which is better cooking then eating out all the time. My biggest downfall is drinking soda or other  fattening beverages instead of water. I would really like to start taking Tea with me instead of soda all the time. I have a friend who puts tea bags in her water bottle at school and drinks it in class. She just puts it in cold water. So my plan is to try this and see how it goes.

2) Work on my self-worth and confidence. This one I'm a little more worried about as I don't have any definite ideas of how to change this. They say you are supposed to tell yourself positive things, but if you don't actually believe these, how do say them to yourself? Read self help books maybe? I need some first, money to get them and time to read them. I have a lot of time to read them but I get distracted with the computer and other things. I put things off until the last minute or until its too late. I need to work on who I am versus who I want to be, and where I want to be in my life.

3) Procrastination. Just thought of this one and thought I should add this to my list. I am also not exactly sure how I need to do this one. Sometimes I think I do better on things when I procrastinate, and wait for the last minute.

So there are my three life changing things I need to work on this year. If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to share.

Love & Peace