Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Boredom is School...

So I am sitting in class right now and I just want to be done and go home. I really wish I was done with school right now. That I could just be graduated and done with it all. I need to find a job that pays me more then what I'm making now. Its the middle of the month and we dont' have any rent money set out yet. We usually set it out by now but my last check had to go to some other things.

I entered some photos in a photo contest and had to have hard copies to send in. It was like $50 to get the hard copies I wanted. I sent the photos in Saturday so we'll see what happens. Because we are short on money though, it makes me feel guilty that I spent that amount of money on photos though. I shouldn't have to feel that way all the time.

Mary bought tickets last night for Jeff Dunham show tomorrow. I LOVE Jeff Dunham and can't wait to see him live. I feel guilty though and like I can't fully have a good time because that money should have gone to rent.

Its things like this that frustrate me. I  shouldn't have to feel guilty to have a little fun and it seems like I'm the only one who ever feels guilty when it comes to money.

I don't really care to have a lot of money. I just want enough money to live comfortable. To be able to have a car and a house that I own. That I don't have to make payments on. They don't even have to be brand new. Just run and be comfortable. Our car isn't even working now. I am stuck to public transit. Its ok but not as convenient.

Thats my rant for today. I am in class wishing it was over so I could go home as I feel kind of antsy.

Love & Peace

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hard To Admit...

So its 1134pm and I'm supposed to be sleeping. I finally pulled myself and Mary off the computer so we could go sleep. But I have some things on my mind and if I don't get them out and written down I won't sleep.

So its hard to admit but I have a problem. This problem is in regards to school. I am way behind in classes and have no motivation to get anything done. I graduate in September and my parents plan to come out from WI to finally see me graduate with my associates degree. This is my third time trying for an associates and I really want to finish this time. I was hoping to finish with at least honors. I would be happy with honors though high honors would be awesome. I don't have that much ambition in me. So I've tried for second best. Now though its looking I won't even make that.  I've been doing fairly well for my procrastination and slacking from quarter to quarter. My GPA finally got above a 3.5 when its been sitting at about 3.3 most of my time in school. Now this term I think its going back down. I kind of feel like I'm drowning and can't swim out. In one way, I care and want to do well. To show others, and myself, I can actually do it this time. On another sense, I don't care and just want it to be done and over with. I can't quit again though. I need to finish this. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm afraid of success. I know I'm afraid of failure but I'm used to it, so it seems ok. I've never been successful and my interests have never been pursued to the point of making them a success. I don't attempt publishing my writing because I'm afraid of being turned down. I am entering a photo contest so maybe that will lead to something, though my hopes aren't too high. I am used to failure and people turning me down or telling me I can't do it. I always believe them and in turn, FAIL. I have no idea how to turn this cycle around. When it comes to the end of maybe actually being a success, I quit and don't proceed. I need to show myself that I don't have to do that and can actually finish something. I want to feel good about myself for once. To know that I don't have to live this mundane life of no success and no triumph. That I CAN be awesome at what I do. Its hard though when I am my only support and I have no one really rooting me on, at least not openly. So I stand on this island of mine alone and watch the waves roll past me. No boat is there to save me and I'm lost in the heat and sand.  Hey I think I've started a new poem. I will work on that and post it when its finished.

I don't know maybe there is hope... I am trying to hope for hope.

Love & Peace

Friday, May 13, 2011

One Drama Gone...

So I have finally gotten rid of one person who has caused me a lot of stress the last couple of months or so. She constantly brought herself drama and then tried to pull everyone else into it. I got tired of it and it is over. The last couple of days I still have issues but I'm feeling freer and a lot of my tension is gone. I am SO glad to have this done and over with. Now to get rid of other negative people from my life. Slowly working on the outer layers and then eventually will get to the inner layers. I just wish I didn't have to do all of this alone. Its hard for me to be strong and I'm hoping that practice will make perfection. I'm tired of being walked all over, especially by people who claim to be my friend. I need real friends with real hearts who actually care about others and who are not so stuck on themselves, that they will ruin someone else's life just because they don't like them or are pissed at them. I'm sorry but that is not how I roll and if its how you roll, I don't have time for it or you.

That is all for now.

Love & Peace

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My Journal Entry...

This is the journal entry I mentioned in my last post. Most of these things I think about on a regular basis. I wish it was an easier process to figure out these things. I'm tired of trial and error. I wish I could be confident about these things more. Sometimes I wish my brain could just stop thinking. That I could turn off the constant struggles within.

                Last night I was riding the MAX Train home from school and there was a woman on there who grabbed my attention. She was with another woman and I’m not sure what their relationship was. The second woman was a little older and they could have been mother and daughter or maybe the older woman was a client of the younger woman. It seemed like the older woman was mostly there but maybe a little slower. The younger woman seemed to be there as a guardian or protector of the older lady. They got on at the stop where the ball game was but I’m not sure if they were actually at the ball game or not.
                I was watching them in the reflection of the window on the conductor’s door. The younger woman had a compassionate smile on her face as she interacted with the older woman. It was apparent that she cared for this woman whatever the relationship was. Her smile was genuine and not fake. She was very patient when she talked to and answered questions of this older woman.
                Watching this scene on the MAX made me think about things. I wonder what wonderful thing the younger woman had in her life that made her a compassionate, patient person. She was a person who did not seem fake in her interactions. That is what I want. I want to have compassion towards other people instead of all the irritability and judgments I carry towards others.  I’m not sure how to get this compassion and patience. When I was younger I think I had a lot more compassion and patience then I do now. Maybe it’s because once I saw what life really was about and what other people are really like, I changed. All I know is that she has something I want. I would have loved to be a bit more outgoing and ask her but I don’t think I would ever have that courage.
                This led me to think about people in general and if there is anyone who is truly happy. I think that woman is, she seemed happy. I know Christians say that when you find God you will be happy, but I have seen a lot of “Christians” who aren’t happy. Maybe they aren’t honest Christians, I am not certain. How do you go on a quest in life to find out what is true happiness? I think that if I had enough money to live comfortably, I would be happy. I think if I were out of the living situation I am in, I would be happy. I think if I had someone who really truly loved me and treated me that way, I would be happy. I think if I had children and the opportunity to be a mom like I’ve always wanted, I would be happy. I think if I learned to love myself and who I am, I would be happy. But would I really? And how do I figure all of these things out and get to the point where I am happy with who I am and what I have? Where do you start?
                I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable enough mentally to allow any of these things in. I don’t know what I would do to break down all of the cement walls I have built up for any of these things to happen. I wish there was a place I could go that could break you down and build you back up and teach you these things. It would be a place where I didn’t have to worry about ANYTHING else but the issues in my mind that I need to fix in order to be happy. I’m afraid that I will find out that happiness is just another dream that everyone has but does not ever receive. I’m afraid that I will have to do this all alone and that I will have no one to support me or to understand me. Most of my friends are only interested in surface interests. I have one friend who thinks about these things but she is far away. Most of my friends don’t think deep and don’t understand that I do. Even though I know this and get tired of this, these friends are better than no friends at all. Their drama is ok to put up with because it’s better than being alone. Being in a negative relationship is better than being alone and having no one. Though I do have my dog and cat now so I wouldn’t be totally alone but it is not the same as human contact.
                These are all things I feel that I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I don’t know how to take things that I have believed my whole or most of my life and change them. I just don’t understand how to see myself or the world differently. I don’t know how to cut ties with the depressing, negative people and find myself positive, uplifting people. I don’t know how to change the things I live for, other more important things. I feel like I need to strip off layers and layers, to rebuild layers into something else.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Still Alive...

Yes I am still alive. I've not been blogging lately because I've had so much going on. I'm not sure what I said in my last post (I didn't check before coming to write this one) but Mary's mom passed away in March. The car broke down and we are having to public transport everywhere. We've had to take the dog to the vet twice last month. He's ok now, Thank God! I'm not doing so hot in school this term. Just too stressed out and don't care as much as last term. I still want to do well and get at least the silver cords at graduation but I'm just tired and want to be done. I graduate this September if I make it. I know I will but right now it just seems so far away. I have also been pretty depressed lately. I have a journal entry thing I wrote that I am going to post here but I'm going to post it on a seperate entry.

   So that is the update for now. So yes I am still alive, at least physically.

  Love & Peace