Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hard To Admit...

So its 1134pm and I'm supposed to be sleeping. I finally pulled myself and Mary off the computer so we could go sleep. But I have some things on my mind and if I don't get them out and written down I won't sleep.

So its hard to admit but I have a problem. This problem is in regards to school. I am way behind in classes and have no motivation to get anything done. I graduate in September and my parents plan to come out from WI to finally see me graduate with my associates degree. This is my third time trying for an associates and I really want to finish this time. I was hoping to finish with at least honors. I would be happy with honors though high honors would be awesome. I don't have that much ambition in me. So I've tried for second best. Now though its looking I won't even make that.  I've been doing fairly well for my procrastination and slacking from quarter to quarter. My GPA finally got above a 3.5 when its been sitting at about 3.3 most of my time in school. Now this term I think its going back down. I kind of feel like I'm drowning and can't swim out. In one way, I care and want to do well. To show others, and myself, I can actually do it this time. On another sense, I don't care and just want it to be done and over with. I can't quit again though. I need to finish this. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm afraid of success. I know I'm afraid of failure but I'm used to it, so it seems ok. I've never been successful and my interests have never been pursued to the point of making them a success. I don't attempt publishing my writing because I'm afraid of being turned down. I am entering a photo contest so maybe that will lead to something, though my hopes aren't too high. I am used to failure and people turning me down or telling me I can't do it. I always believe them and in turn, FAIL. I have no idea how to turn this cycle around. When it comes to the end of maybe actually being a success, I quit and don't proceed. I need to show myself that I don't have to do that and can actually finish something. I want to feel good about myself for once. To know that I don't have to live this mundane life of no success and no triumph. That I CAN be awesome at what I do. Its hard though when I am my only support and I have no one really rooting me on, at least not openly. So I stand on this island of mine alone and watch the waves roll past me. No boat is there to save me and I'm lost in the heat and sand.  Hey I think I've started a new poem. I will work on that and post it when its finished.

I don't know maybe there is hope... I am trying to hope for hope.

Love & Peace

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