Hard To Admit...

So its 1134pm and I'm supposed to be sleeping. I finally pulled myself and Mary off the computer so we could go sleep. But I have some things on my mind and if I don't get them out and written down I won't sleep.

So its hard to admit but I have a problem. This problem is in regards to school. I am way behind in classes and have no motivation to get anything done. I graduate in September and my parents plan to come out from WI to finally see me graduate with my associates degree. This is my third time trying for an associates and I really want to finish this time. I was hoping to finish with at least honors. I would be happy with honors though high honors would be awesome. I don't have that much ambition in me. So I've tried for second best. Now though its looking I won't even make that.  I've been doing fairly well for my procrastination and slacking from quarter to quarter. My GPA finally got above a 3.5 when its been sitting at about 3.3 most of my time in school. Now this term I think its going back down. I kind of feel like I'm drowning and can't swim out. In one way, I care and want to do well. To show others, and myself, I can actually do it this time. On another sense, I don't care and just want it to be done and over with. I can't quit again though. I need to finish this. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm afraid of success. I know I'm afraid of failure but I'm used to it, so it seems ok. I've never been successful and my interests have never been pursued to the point of making them a success. I don't attempt publishing my writing because I'm afraid of being turned down. I am entering a photo contest so maybe that will lead to something, though my hopes aren't too high. I am used to failure and people turning me down or telling me I can't do it. I always believe them and in turn, FAIL. I have no idea how to turn this cycle around. When it comes to the end of maybe actually being a success, I quit and don't proceed. I need to show myself that I don't have to do that and can actually finish something. I want to feel good about myself for once. To know that I don't have to live this mundane life of no success and no triumph. That I CAN be awesome at what I do. Its hard though when I am my only support and I have no one really rooting me on, at least not openly. So I stand on this island of mine alone and watch the waves roll past me. No boat is there to save me and I'm lost in the heat and sand.  Hey I think I've started a new poem. I will work on that and post it when its finished.

I don't know maybe there is hope... I am trying to hope for hope.

Love & Peace
RaeAnn

One Drama Gone...

So I have finally gotten rid of one person who has caused me a lot of stress the last couple of months or so. She constantly brought herself drama and then tried to pull everyone else into it. I got tired of it and it is over. The last couple of days I still have issues but I'm feeling freer and a lot of my tension is gone. I am SO glad to have this done and over with. Now to get rid of other negative people from my life. Slowly working on the outer layers and then eventually will get to the inner layers. I just wish I didn't have to do all of this alone. Its hard for me to be strong and I'm hoping that practice will make perfection. I'm tired of being walked all over, especially by people who claim to be my friend. I need real friends with real hearts who actually care about others and who are not so stuck on themselves, that they will ruin someone else's life just because they don't like them or are pissed at them. I'm sorry but that is not how I roll and if its how you roll, I don't have time for it or you.

That is all for now.

Love & Peace
RaeAnn

My Journal Entry...

This is the journal entry I mentioned in my last post. Most of these things I think about on a regular basis. I wish it was an easier process to figure out these things. I'm tired of trial and error. I wish I could be confident about these things more. Sometimes I wish my brain could just stop thinking. That I could turn off the constant struggles within.

05/04/2011

                Last night I was riding the MAX Train home from school and there was a woman on there who grabbed my attention. She was with another woman and I’m not sure what their relationship was. The second woman was a little older and they could have been mother and daughter or maybe the older woman was a client of the younger woman. It seemed like the older woman was mostly there but maybe a little slower. The younger woman seemed to be there as a guardian or protector of the older lady. They got on at the stop where the ball game was but I’m not sure if they were actually at the ball game or not.

                I was watching them in the reflection of the window on the conductor’s door. The younger woman had a compassionate smile on her face as she interacted with the older woman. It was apparent that she cared for this woman whatever the relationship was. Her smile was genuine and not fake. She was very patient when she talked to and answered questions of this older woman.

                Watching this scene on the MAX made me think about things. I wonder what wonderful thing the younger woman had in her life that made her a compassionate, patient person. She was a person who did not seem fake in her interactions. That is what I want. I want to have compassion towards other people instead of all the irritability and judgments I carry towards others.  I’m not sure how to get this compassion and patience. When I was younger I think I had a lot more compassion and patience then I do now. Maybe it’s because once I saw what life really was about and what other people are really like, I changed. All I know is that she has something I want. I would have loved to be a bit more outgoing and ask her but I don’t think I would ever have that courage.

                This led me to think about people in general and if there is anyone who is truly happy. I think that woman is, she seemed happy. I know Christians say that when you find God you will be happy, but I have seen a lot of “Christians” who aren’t happy. Maybe they aren’t honest Christians, I am not certain. How do you go on a quest in life to find out what is true happiness? I think that if I had enough money to live comfortably, I would be happy. I think if I were out of the living situation I am in, I would be happy. I think if I had someone who really truly loved me and treated me that way, I would be happy. I think if I had children and the opportunity to be a mom like I’ve always wanted, I would be happy. I think if I learned to love myself and who I am, I would be happy. But would I really? And how do I figure all of these things out and get to the point where I am happy with who I am and what I have? Where do you start?

                I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable enough mentally to allow any of these things in. I don’t know what I would do to break down all of the cement walls I have built up for any of these things to happen. I wish there was a place I could go that could break you down and build you back up and teach you these things. It would be a place where I didn’t have to worry about ANYTHING else but the issues in my mind that I need to fix in order to be happy. I’m afraid that I will find out that happiness is just another dream that everyone has but does not ever receive. I’m afraid that I will have to do this all alone and that I will have no one to support me or to understand me. Most of my friends are only interested in surface interests. I have one friend who thinks about these things but she is far away. Most of my friends don’t think deep and don’t understand that I do. Even though I know this and get tired of this, these friends are better than no friends at all. Their drama is ok to put up with because it’s better than being alone. Being in a negative relationship is better than being alone and having no one. Though I do have my dog and cat now so I wouldn’t be totally alone but it is not the same as human contact.

                These are all things I feel that I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I don’t know how to take things that I have believed my whole or most of my life and change them. I just don’t understand how to see myself or the world differently. I don’t know how to cut ties with the depressing, negative people and find myself positive, uplifting people. I don’t know how to change the things I live for, other more important things. I feel like I need to strip off layers and layers, to rebuild layers into something else.

Still Alive...

Yes I am still alive. I've not been blogging lately because I've had so much going on. I'm not sure what I said in my last post (I didn't check before coming to write this one) but Mary's mom passed away in March. The car broke down and we are having to public transport everywhere. We've had to take the dog to the vet twice last month. He's ok now, Thank God! I'm not doing so hot in school this term. Just too stressed out and don't care as much as last term. I still want to do well and get at least the silver cords at graduation but I'm just tired and want to be done. I graduate this September if I make it. I know I will but right now it just seems so far away. I have also been pretty depressed lately. I have a journal entry thing I wrote that I am going to post here but I'm going to post it on a seperate entry.

   So that is the update for now. So yes I am still alive, at least physically.

  Love & Peace
      RaeAnn

There Should be a Catchy Phrase Here....

I have found that its really hard to come up with titles to my blogs when I am writing about multiple things. So I try to be random there instead.

So today is the start of the new term. This term I have Transportation Security, The Criminalistics of Cybercrime, Policing Techniques: Interviewing and Interrogation. I am hoping this term goes a lot faster then last term did. Last term felt like three terms in one. I was so glad to be done with it. Two more terms and I graduate. I cannot wait!
Mary graduates this coming Friday. I am so proud of her! She has done really well and I think even surprised herself at how well she did.

Every morning Wyatt wakes me up about 7am. Usually I get up, take him potty and then go back to bed for an hour. I am feeling like that extra hour of sleep makes me more groggy feeling. I am thinking about trying an new thing. I am thinking that when he wakes me up at 7am, I'll talk him for a walk around the block  and then just stay up for the day. If I am working and going to school that day, I'll be up for the full day. If I have the day off, I may choose to take a little nap later in the day but can decide that when the time comes. I'm thinking if I get up and go for a walk in the morning before work maybe I'll be more awake and with it. We took a walk today in the afternoon at a little faster pace then usual and I feel a little more energetic then usual. I am also thinking I might start taking him for walks around the block in the evening too. That would give him and myself two walks a day. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. 

So my New Year's Resolution/Life Change didn't last long. It was getting questionable before Florida but was definitely gone once we went to FL. Today we went to Subway and I got green tea instead of Soda so at least that was a healthier choice. Gotta work on those choices I keep making. It helps to have a dog because I have a reason to go walking regularly. Its hard to make a life change when your partner is with you on the change. Its hard to feel motivated to eat crackers or nuts instead of a bag of chips when she is sitting there eating chips. I know that may sound like an excuse because I don't know if it would really be easier if I was living alone. I might still be making the same choices. I know I was in the past. Maybe things would be different now that I'm older and more mature, I don't know.

This is also my last week at my job location. I will be transferring to the other location of the dog daycare. I hear its a nice atmosphere there and I am hoping I will have a better time there. Thursday will be my last day and I can't wait!

Well I've got to head to class.

Love & Peace
RaeAnn

What To Title This???

So this post is going to be about a bunch of things, like most of my posts do. Anyways I wasn't quite sure what to put as a title.
So we finally finished the term. I ended with two A's and a B+. I am overall happy with these grades. I wish I could have gotten a third A but this term was so stressful and then going to FL, by the end I just wanted it to be over with. I am hoping next term will be better.
On Sunday March 6, 2011 Mary's Mom passed away at 345am. She called in Monday and Tuesday and then I called in Tuesday and Wed from work. Tuesday night we went to a couple of movies and out to eat to kind of get our minds off things. We saw Gnomeo and Juliet, and Rango. We ate supper at Red Robin. I know some might think that going to movies is a weird way of mourning but I really think it helped Mary that night. I would say Gnomeo and Juliet was the better of the two movies. Rango was ok but felt really slow and long to me. Now I can say I've seen it but I probably wouldn't go back to see it again or purchase it when it comes out on DVD.
We have been working on progress with Wyatt and Elijah. We have started to bring Elijah out when we watch TV at night to sit on our laps or next to us. Wyatt sometimes will growl or try to bark at him but Elijah doesn't run anymore. We are trying to get them used to each other being in the same room. Hopefully this will help their acquaintance.
I was thinking there was something else to talk about but now I can't think of anything to say. I'm tired and exhausted from work today. Finances are stressing me and I don't think I have fully de-stressed from school and working on getting all my homework done on time yet.

Well that is all for now. Will write some more later

Love & Peace
RaeAnn

AGH! Stress!!!

So we returned from Florida on Sunday the 20th of Feb. The plane ride was actually shorter then our trip there but it seemed longer. I guess I was just ready to be home to my own house, bed, and animals.

Since getting back, it has been pure stress. We got back and Mary's taxes still hadn't come. She had e-filed, and signed up for direct deposit the same day at the same time as me. Mine came while we were in FL and had already been spent. We had left the cat, Elijah, at Mary's son P's place. Wyatt went to a boarding place that gives individual time to dogs who don't like other dogs. We were supposed to pick Wyatt up on Monday but the money wasn't there so we had to call and ask to pick him up on Wed instead. The Tuesday we went to the mail box and it was in the mail.

It was so exciting to pick Wyatt up because I had missed him so much. He was so excited to see us and jumped and wagged all over the place. It was the best thing ever!

So now that we'd been gone for two weeks, we have homework up the wazoo to do. So the last two weeks has been trying to catch up on school work. It takes me about 2-3 hours to do one paper. It might takes others that long too but I'm not sure. I just know I feel like it shouldn't take me that long. I know part of my problem is that I think I might have Adult ADD. I don't know for sure because I've never been diagnosed but my mind waunders probably a lot more then it should. I'm kind of a dreamer and it slows me down a lot. I'm always thinking about something and my brain never shuts off.

Anyways so with the finance stress and the school stress I just want to go to bed and sleep it away. I know that you can't actually SLEEP it away but I wish you could. This term is over next Wed (actually this week but we have to make up a day because of the weather). I am so ready for it to be done so I can start again fresh.

So that is my stress and update for the last couple of weeks. I've been too busy to write much lately but hopefully that will change soon.

Love & Peace
RaeAnn