This is the journal entry I mentioned in my last post. Most of these things I think about on a regular basis. I wish it was an easier process to figure out these things. I'm tired of trial and error. I wish I could be confident about these things more. Sometimes I wish my brain could just stop thinking. That I could turn off the constant struggles within.
05/04/2011
Last night I was riding the MAX Train home from school and there was a woman on there who grabbed my attention. She was with another woman and I’m not sure what their relationship was. The second woman was a little older and they could have been mother and daughter or maybe the older woman was a client of the younger woman. It seemed like the older woman was mostly there but maybe a little slower. The younger woman seemed to be there as a guardian or protector of the older lady. They got on at the stop where the ball game was but I’m not sure if they were actually at the ball game or not.
I was watching them in the reflection of the window on the conductor’s door. The younger woman had a compassionate smile on her face as she interacted with the older woman. It was apparent that she cared for this woman whatever the relationship was. Her smile was genuine and not fake. She was very patient when she talked to and answered questions of this older woman.
Watching this scene on the MAX made me think about things. I wonder what wonderful thing the younger woman had in her life that made her a compassionate, patient person. She was a person who did not seem fake in her interactions. That is what I want. I want to have compassion towards other people instead of all the irritability and judgments I carry towards others. I’m not sure how to get this compassion and patience. When I was younger I think I had a lot more compassion and patience then I do now. Maybe it’s because once I saw what life really was about and what other people are really like, I changed. All I know is that she has something I want. I would have loved to be a bit more outgoing and ask her but I don’t think I would ever have that courage.
This led me to think about people in general and if there is anyone who is truly happy. I think that woman is, she seemed happy. I know Christians say that when you find God you will be happy, but I have seen a lot of “Christians” who aren’t happy. Maybe they aren’t honest Christians, I am not certain. How do you go on a quest in life to find out what is true happiness? I think that if I had enough money to live comfortably, I would be happy. I think if I were out of the living situation I am in, I would be happy. I think if I had someone who really truly loved me and treated me that way, I would be happy. I think if I had children and the opportunity to be a mom like I’ve always wanted, I would be happy. I think if I learned to love myself and who I am, I would be happy. But would I really? And how do I figure all of these things out and get to the point where I am happy with who I am and what I have? Where do you start?
I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable enough mentally to allow any of these things in. I don’t know what I would do to break down all of the cement walls I have built up for any of these things to happen. I wish there was a place I could go that could break you down and build you back up and teach you these things. It would be a place where I didn’t have to worry about ANYTHING else but the issues in my mind that I need to fix in order to be happy. I’m afraid that I will find out that happiness is just another dream that everyone has but does not ever receive. I’m afraid that I will have to do this all alone and that I will have no one to support me or to understand me. Most of my friends are only interested in surface interests. I have one friend who thinks about these things but she is far away. Most of my friends don’t think deep and don’t understand that I do. Even though I know this and get tired of this, these friends are better than no friends at all. Their drama is ok to put up with because it’s better than being alone. Being in a negative relationship is better than being alone and having no one. Though I do have my dog and cat now so I wouldn’t be totally alone but it is not the same as human contact.
These are all things I feel that I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I don’t know how to take things that I have believed my whole or most of my life and change them. I just don’t understand how to see myself or the world differently. I don’t know how to cut ties with the depressing, negative people and find myself positive, uplifting people. I don’t know how to change the things I live for, other more important things. I feel like I need to strip off layers and layers, to rebuild layers into something else.
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